My Dad, a letter & a vow
The day my Dad passed away is a day etched into my mind, it is a day I will never forget. I felt broken, sad and screwed over; someone was taken from me that I could never get back and there was nothing I could do about it.
I was always the little girl who dreamed of her Daddy walking her down the aisle, dreamed of her first father/daughter dance, the speech he would tell, the look in his eyes of sheer joy, and love. I was a Daddy’s girl through and through.....After my Dad passed away all I could think was who would I have to share all these special moments with, who would be my inspiration, fill my heart with a love you can only get from your Daddy. He was always there to guide me through my mistakes and never asked me to apologize for them, just to learn from them. He was loving, kind, goofy and charismatic. He took pleasure in a simple life and asked for nothing in return; he loved his family unconditionally.
My Dad was a man of integrity, strength, hope and compassion. Everyone that came across his path loved him. He had such a way with people that I can only hope to emulate. Actually I can only hope to emulate many of his traits, his work ethic, his selflessness, his sense of humour (he loved and laughed at his own jokes all the time, and trust me they were the typical corny Dad jokes), his charm and his loving nature. He held no judgements or prejudices towards anyone or anything, he was the most open minded person I knew and taught me to be the same way. He never hesitated to sacrifice for his family, he gave us his world, actually we were his world.
He encouraged and empowered me through every step on this path called life. Always telling me I could do whatever my heart desired as long as I tried my hardest. That didn’t mean I had to get straight A’s, in his mind I could get straight C’s as long as he knew I was trying. He always showed his pride too, I never had to worry or wonder that is one thing I knew deep down in my core, how proud he was of me (is of me). My favourite was when I would come home and show him a paper or a project I did really well on and he would just beam, give me the biggest hug, tell me how proud he was of me and then whip me up a congratulations dinner. He was so special.
I remember one day a few months after he had passed away sitting in my living room, eyes filled with tears, missing my Dad and I suddenly had rushing feelings of selfishness blanket over me. The entire time I was thinking about what I am going to miss and not what HE was going to miss. I know he dreamed of my wedding and walking me down the aisle, he probably already had his speech written and a song picked out to dance too. I know he dreamed of holding my children for the first time, putting together toys they were given on their birthdays or at Christmas (he had the patience of a superhero). I know he loved getting a phone call from me asking for his advice and beamed with pride when I took it. HE was losing out on life and it broke my heart to think all I had thought about was me. In that moment I made a pact to him and myself……
It was simple, I vowed to live life to the fullest and be me, wholeheartedly, passionately, unapologetically, authentically, me! To make mistakes, learn from them and then make some more. I vowed to be healthy and happy, to nourish and nurture my mind, body and soul. I vowed live my dreams and find my purpose and share them with our vast, ethereal universe. i vowed to be happy, to live and to always keep laughing.
He gave me new life and a reason to follow my dreams. Life is so short, we are not guaranteed tomorrow and yesterday has already been, we only have the now, this present moment.
Mindfulness is my new life mantra
During the two weeks after my Dad was diagnosed I spent endless hours researching cures and treatments. I spent late nights reading studies and blogs; I had learnt an abundant amount of information. I had gone from reading about conventional treatments (radiation and chemo) to reading about holistic remedies, the Gerson therapy, green juicing, raw foods, superfoods, vegan foods, yoga, meditation and Ayurveda medicine It took me a bit of time but I eventually dived back into all my researching and started implementing these practices into my daily life, spiritually, mentally and physically.
My Dad’s loss has changed me, I have grown, I have learned more about who I am and I believe I have become a stronger more better woman. It is sad that I had to go through something so heart breaking to experience this change but I am eternally grateful for it. I wish my Dad was still here, I wish I could have grown and learned all that I have without the loss but life had other plans and I am just trying to help understand those plans better by bettering myself. I miss my Dad every single day and that is never going to change but I have someone looking down on me and guiding me with the most unconditional love and for that I am blessed.
Here is a letter I recently wrote to my Dad in my journal, with Father’s Day being today I felt I wanted to share it with you and I can only hope wherever my Dad is he can read it too…
You are my guardian angel always sitting on my shoulder. You are my guiding light. I know you are around me I can feel your presence, your warmth, your heart. I hope you can hear me when I talk to you it is pretty often. I miss you more than words can express. I miss your “hello sweetie” (I can still hear your voice in my head), I miss the way you patted my head when you would walk by me sitting on the couch (I can still feel your tender hand), I miss your hugs when I was feeling sad (I can still feel your warm embrace that took away all my worries).
I miss you every day. Every. Single. Day you come across my thoughts, but it is not like in the beginning when tears would wash over my cheeks, some days they still trickle down and some days they still completely engulf me but mostly now I smile. I smile and laugh thinking of my favourite moments with you, funny stories, goofy tales and the silliness that you were. There have been so many times over the past two and a half years I wish I could have called you (sometimes I even picked up the phone and then realized....) to ask your advice, hear your voice, tell you I love you. Those days happen a lot, but I tell you I love you every day when I am looking into the clouds or gazing up at the stars sparkling down. I tell you every day that I love you and I know you hear me you have too. I hope wherever you are there is lots of sunshine and you are lying back relaxing, basking in the warmth that I know you love so much.
Love always your forever little girl xo